The 5 love languages @work (and life)
I stumbled upon this book last year, when a good friend got married and talked to me about it. We discussed it more in my coaching classes few weeks ago, as a way to increase your perception on the different ways we show affection and love. There is lots of interesting things and I’d like to share some of my insights. The book is a really popular one, from Gary Chapman, 5 love languages and let me start explaining.
What’s the main idea?
All of us, as humans, we have one deep, inherent need. It follows us everywhere and it’s rooted in us since the very first moment of our existence. We want to know, feel and understand love. We seek for it in all of our relationships and interactions. It gives us energy, it makes us feel good, safe, trusted and gives us a sense of belonging.
All of us, however, have learned to receive and give love in specific, unique ways. Our world and our understanding of it, has been built upon the way we learn love as children. We don’t remember, but these little strokes; be it words, or behaviors; they all contributed to our complex personality and perception. And guess what? We are all different, unique creatures and we have diverse ways of giving and wanting to receive love. And if this way clashes with another person’s way of giving and receiving, things start becoming complex. Our minds start doubting when we don’t have enough understanding of the differences and we might be asking: “Why don’t I get the love I gave to this person back?” or “Why don’t they respond the same way back?”
The book is talking about the 5 different ways we learnt to give and receive love. See for yourself and try to think where you are standing.
What are these languages, then?
5 Love Languages; here you go:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Or..
It’s interesting to think how you want love to come to you, but it’s also interesting to think how you would like to give love. For example if you are like me, you might not be good in receiving gifts, but love giving them. You can take the quiz if you want to see what’s your preferred receiving love language.
How do you translate this to your workplace, and potentially to all of your interactions with others?
Everyone wants to feel appreciated and when people feel valued they can thrive and shine. They can feel so confident and secure, reach their peak and perform at their best. Regardless if you are a manager or not, you might want to understand how you show your appreciation to your colleagues and what they are actually expecting to see. You can imagine it, as a framework that can expand your awareness in these life interactions. How will you know what are people’s love languages? Experiment, observe the impact of your gestures or even ask them.
1. Words of Affirmation
When was the last time you gave kudos to your colleague? Even if they didn’t do anything big, tell them “Hey, you are doing a great job, I really appreciate you”. Who doesn’t want to hear that? Try it out, see how it works, but keep it real and honest. An easier thing, might even be “You look great today”, “I love your hair/moustache/t-shirt”. Appreciation has no limits!
2. Acts of service
For some people, showing love might be taking out the trash or doing shopping for you. At work this can be translated to helping someone with little things that might unblock them or take something out of their plate if they are really stressed or proof-read something they wrote; dependent on the nature of your work you can find many different aspects of acts of service.
3. Gifts
Cards, small gifts, flowers; do you ever give gifts? It could also be, borrowing them a book that you think they would like or buying them a coffee or dropping them a small note with a smile at their desk or sending them a nice article. Get creative!
4. Quality time
Quality time can be easily translated to time outside of work with your colleagues, but it could also just be a genuine 10 minute coffee (or zoom break nowadays). It could also mean, just following up on them or texting them to see how they are doing. If we are talking about clients, it could mean making feeling them safe before closing a deal by having an unofficial chat or a dinner with them.
5. Physical touch
Don’t get too excited here, but physical touch can also be important at work. I am a BIG hugger, and I get too excited when people do the same. If you don’t want to go as far as a hug (which from my experience can sometimes end up being awkward, if you don’t know the person that well :)), you can consider a handshake or another way to show appreciation.
SO what do we do with all these information now?
Firstly, look into your ways of giving and receiving.
Once you understand yourself, watch people around you. You will be amazed with all the different ways of expression and how you can work with them. How have they expressed their appreciation to you so far? Are they feeling comfortable when you are sharing yours in these ways?
Lastly, whichever one of these fits most to you and the people close to you, remember to show your appreciation regardless. Everyone needs a bit more of love and support always. And, magically, the more you show appreciation and love, the more you will get it back. Such a weird world!