The 3 ego states and how they can help you in your daily communication

Nasia Ntalla
4 min readJun 4, 2020

Transactional theory in psychology is magnificent, and every time I learn something more about it, I am always mind-blown. It talks about the transactions (communication) we all have as human beings. Today, I want to share something about the 3 main ego states from which we operate every day, how we can start acknowledging them, and mature our daily conversations and reactions.

Let’s start imagining that you have a conflict with someone at your workplace. If you are like me, you might get emotional; some others might get frustrated, some others might hide their emotions and never talk about what happened. These are all different ways of reacting to a specific event and the response we have to these events of conflict often is relatively fast and reactive. We might think of what happened later on, but initially, we acted in a different ego state than the ego state we would have done when relaxed and nothing is challenging us.

Statement Number 1, then:

Our ego states can be reactive (we respond really fast) or proactive (we have time to process what’s happening).

The main 3 ego states we all have and operate from at different times are: Parent, Adult, Child. And the way we operate from these states is very much related to how we have experienced our childhood and the way our parents treated us. The Child and Parent ego states are activated

unconsciously when something happens that reminds us of our childhood. Both states have positive and negatives sides.

Most of us (if you are not one of these, you shouldn’t be reading this now!), have experienced both sides from their parents. Facing criticism, they might have been overly cautious and did their best to accept and love us. And we all have these circumstances that trigger us. Someone challenging your “shoulds” or “must” might unconsciously trigger patterns of your relationship with your parents and you go without realizing, quickly, to a Child mode and become offended and then the crying/frustrations/anger kick in. Similarly, the Parent inside you could wake up if you find someone in need, and you might want to help by showing your “nurturing” side.

Statement Number 2

Parent State: We become this critical or nurturing parent when we see a child-like behavior. We are in the state of wanting to parent someone else.

Child State: The child inside us gets triggered and we react like children, whatever this means for each one of us. We might be rebels, or we might get protective or we might consent because we are “scared of the consequences”.

Adult State: We are in the state of understanding the situation, taking a step back and acting maturely enough that our response is not reactive

Great! Have you noticed any of these interactions in your daily lives? They are there every day. With your family, your colleagues, your partner, your friends. I was laughing when I remember my constant conversation with my sister:

Me: “Again, where are my keys???!”

Sister: “I have no idea.” And starts looking for them straight away.

Me: “Yeah, surely..”

I keep becoming this parent when I lose my things and going to this critical ego state, believing that she is responsible for me losing my keys. Or think of work. I might get sensitive when people would tell me how to do things, because probably there is something there, where I feel I SHOULD be doing things correctly, and the child inside me doesn’t know what to do!

And this idea gets fed more and more, when we find people responding from the corresponding state. It’s usually Parent -> Child and vice versa. The cycle ends when we can actually from the Adult state.

And, of course, no state is bad or wrong. The idea is that we grow that awareness where we are able to choose what response we want to have. We want to own our actions and not become victims of them. And again, many of the things we do or the things that bother us, it’s just things that we haven’t been aware of. When we are aware of them, that’s when we can change them.

Statement 3

These transactions occur every day to everyone. If we bring awareness, we can recognize which ones we want to keep and act more proactively.

Now you know. What can you do?

  1. Think of the situations you respond in these ego states. Do they serve you? What is triggering them? Do you have to forgive or allow some space for you?
  2. Next time you feel it coming, take a step back. Ask the person in front you for 5 minutes to process what’s happening. What would the adult do in this case? How do you want to act?
  3. Think of the person standing in front of you. From which state are they operating? Do they want you maybe to act as parent or child to feed their own ego state?

Aren’t we all these little creatures, operating from unconscious motives with all these layers to peel off? If you find this FASCINATING like me, read the Games People Play by Eric Berne as well.

Take care and stay calm!

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Nasia Ntalla

This life of infinite choices, brought me to amazing places and times.